


Almost

by CrushedRose



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes-centric, Gen, Not A Fix-It, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Sad, Sad Ending, Sam Wilson Is a Good Bro
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-08
Updated: 2019-05-08
Packaged: 2020-02-28 15:58:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18759658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrushedRose/pseuds/CrushedRose
Summary: The saddest English word and Bucky can relate.





	Almost

**Author's Note:**

> I am so not happy about Steve and what they did to him, how they ruined a character that we knew and loved since 1941. I had this idea after I read a quote about how 'almost' is the saddest word in English.  
> This is my take on Bucky's thoughts and how he felt about it.  
> This is my first Marvel fix and wrote it it instead of sleeping.  
> Thank you @kocuria for Betaing again.

The saddest word in the entire English language is _almost_.   
   
Bucky stands deadly still, his hands in his pockets. He has to, otherwise everyone would see the tight clench of fingers digging into his palms, creating fists that can't punch through the pain he feels.   
God, if only he said something, but what? "I wish you stayed with me?”, "I still need you”, "I don't want to be the only man out of time"? How selfish and needy would that have been?   
   
Everything in his life can be boiled down to one word, almost.   
He was _almost_ skipped by the draft. _Almost_ didn't get picked for that specialist sniper training.  
He _almost_ died on that table in Azzano.   
_Almost_ kissed Steve when he got rescued. _Almost_ said too much when he caught Steve who just jumped over the raging inferno to get to Bucky.   
   
"You coming?" Sam asks as he and Steve, the old Steve, not his best friend of almost 100 years, stand next to Bruce.   
" _Almost_ , just got to take a moment. I'll be right behind you." Bucky replies and congratulates himself on sounding normal, not like a man inches from falling apart.  
They give him a nod and Steve, the old Steve, smiles. Sam doesn't. Bucky can relate. They start walking back to the house, leaving Bucky standing by himself. Bucky doesn't mind, he feels more lonely than ever. A man out of time, alone now.  
He starts walking to the lake, still mentally counting the _almosts_ in his life. 

He _almost_ went home, but stayed for Steve.  
He _almost_ managed to grab Steve's hand, hanging to that piece of metal for dear life.   
He _almost_ died in the fall, almost faded away in the snow, _almost_ didn't survive the torture and the brainwashing. 

"But I did." He whispers to the wind on his face, his eyes filling up with tears he doesn't even know he had.   
"I _almost_ killed him, I almost got away in Bucharest, I _almost_ died in Siberia. I _almost_ didn't fight again." The list is getting longer and more heartbreaking as he goes on. He turns around to see Steve and Sam going into the house, the door closing behind them. What is he supposed to do now?   
"Look after him." That's what Steve said, as if Bucky couldn't take care of himself. He did, before the Accords, then again in his hut with his goats.   
Besides, if he's so in need of looking after, why did Steve leave him in the first place? Oh, here come more almosts.   
   
He's _almost_ healed enough to be trusted to be on his own. _Almost_ succeeded in getting rid of the guilt and the insecurities. _Almost_ a part of the team.  
He was _almost_ good enough for Steve to stay. _Almost_ had a second chance with his best friend.   
   
Bucky turns around and walks towards the car he and Steve took to come here. Steve won't need it anymore, besides, it's a rental.   
Without looking back at the lakehouse he gets in and turns the ignition. How can he stay here, knowing he never received forgiveness? He's still reeling in guilt for the pain he caused the man who owned this place. How can he stay, when his only reason for being here just left him behind for a life Bucky could never be a part of? 

He was _almost_ good enough to watch his best friend's children grow up. _Almost_ the best man at his best friend's wedding.  
He was _almost_ a part of a world devoid of torture and brainwashing.  
_Almost_. 

The car's engine purrs softly as he reverses and makes his way down the driveway. He almost doesn't see the door open and the new Captain America come running out.   
He _almost_ stops. 

Sam deserves the title. He's more worthy than anyone Bucky knows, he's going to be fantastic. Bucky _almost_ wishes he could see it, but he needs to get away. He can't bear staying.  

He was _almost_ good enough for Steve, _almost_ a first choice. He would always be a back-up plan though, a consolation prize.  
He _almost_ told Steve that he loved him when Steve was dying of scarlet fever, of pneumonia, of influenza. He _almost_ told him when they clung to each other after that impossible jump. He _almost_ told him before they got on that damn train. He _almost_ told him when he decided to go back into cryo. He _almost_ told him before the world-ending fight in Wakanda. He _almost_ told him when he came back from the snap.  
He _almost_ told him before Steve got on that platform to go back.   
He _almost_... always almost.   
He was _almost_ worthy.   
   
He needs to get away, he needs to go before he stays and creates even more almosts.  
He pushes the pedal to go faster, the speed increasing. He _almost_ looks back in the rearview mirror to see Steve coming out as well, waving his arms.   
He doesn't stop.   
_Almost_...   
But he doesn't.   
   
And that's an _almost_ he can live with. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think of this. 
> 
> Now I need to get back to my other fic, the much longer one of Bucky and after endgame.


End file.
